I’ve spent thousands of dollars on courses and books, plus my own life experiences, successful career, traumatic relationships, post natal depression, lots of depression, teenage kids, and a twenty year marriage, to finally get to a place where I feel I know what it is I want to say….in this moment anyway. I’ve been on a roller coaster all my life battling to fit in, to be a part of something, to ‘be’ some body, always feeling on the outside. Other people saw me as being strong – really I was just opinionated, successful – sure I earned loads of money, flew around the world, worked on film sets, really enjoyed my work actually, but yet I chose to be in such cruel and brutal relationships…what was I thinking? Why did I constantly beat myself up?
I was waiting for something outside myself to take the pain away.
I’ve come to the conclusion that depression, yes that insidious, devastating, black pit in the stomach, isolating, paralysing, I’m completely hopeless feeling with thoughts of ending it all, that most of us try not to feel, and if we do we can always go to our GP, fill out a short questionnaire about our mental state, and get some tidy chemical concoction to numb ourselves so we can keep soldiering on, or drink a lot, or take ‘medicinal’ marijuana, or obsess over sport, or socialising, or tv, or be a workaholic (yes that was me, plus everything else mentioned so far apart from the tv bit), is a result of thinking that something outside ourselves is going to make us happy, waiting for something outside ourselves to take the pain away, but feeling like it’s a lost cause.
I became an over achiever to try and get popular.
Ok yes I know that people have depression resulting from brain injuries, illness, chemical imbalances, contributing physiological issues etc, but I’m not referring to them. I’m talking about the majority of us who’ve probably had a trauma of some sort happen at some point in our lives because that’s what our human experience is all about and we fiercely hold on to them for grim death. Adoption, in fact unstable mothers all round lead to my abandonment issues, so I became an over achiever to try and become popular and fill that ‘I’m unworthy’ gap. Sure I knew most of the film industry in Sydney, knew loads of actors, and all the ‘door bitch’ models working in fancy night clubs, had a crowd of like minded lunatics to party with, but I was incredibly lonely and never dared stop to ask the question, am I really happy?
Nobody warned me I’d feel suicidal A LOT.
If I was working I was OK, If I was partying I was OK, if I surrounded myself with people who ‘admired’ me I was OK, if I passed out from exhaustion , only to get up at 4.30am the next day for a sun rise shot I was OK. But if I stopped for just a moment…..
So then I had children and didn’t have all these fabulous things to do and people telling me I was fabulous. All I had was endless sameness, a little omnipresent person needing me ALL the time, never ending mess, and then another one who seemed to not need sleep or food (and at fifteen is still the same). No body warned me that I would feel suicidal A LOT and guilty ALL the time for not being grateful for beautiful healthy children, a gorgeous home and a loyal husband..
I was an expert at beating myself up. That was the problem.
When the kids were young I had an excuse not to feel fabulous. I was busy and was doing an honourable job, bringing up the next generation, to be the best they can be, to strive for excellence, to BE somebodies. I’d worked hard, and my husband worked hard so they should do the same.
The best things that have happened so far have been the realisation that a big career doesn’t mean jack shit, that a big house with all the trimmings is just a lot to keep clean, pushing our kids to get ANYTHING and be someone is just coming from my own fear, numbing myself in any way might be OK for a minute but is ultimately really boring, and not facing my demons and not working on having the most exquisite intimate relationship with the love of my life is insanity.
Meaning doesn’t lie in things, meaning lies in us.
Everyone is telling us look how successful I am! Do my ‘system’ and you can be rich like me! This is how you create abundance! And I see so many young people trying to grasp the dream. If I focus all my attention on building my riches then I’ll be happy. If I’m rich then some one will fall in love with me, I’ll be more attractive then. If I wear this watch, designer clothes, buy this car then I’ll be some one! If our children are rich and successful then they’ll be happy! Or at least I’ll look like I’ve done a good job. What the hell?
If we don’t lay the foundations properly first, then all of this wanting and ‘creating abundance’ that fills our heads means nothing.
Meaning doesn’t lie in things, meaning lies in us. When we attach meaning to things that aren’t love, the money, the car, the prestige – we’re loving things that can’t love us back. We’re searching for meaning in the meaningless. Money itself means nothing, material things of themselves mean nothing. We came here to love. Life spent with any other purpose is meaningless, contrary to our nature and ultimately painful. We over value what we perceive with our physical senses, and undervalue what we know to be true in our hearts.
Marianne Williamson.
Relationships are mirrors of ourselves. It’s where we really grow.
Don’t end up sitting in your big mansion watching the sunset over a brilliant turquoise sea, depressed you haven’t given the time to grow a healthy loving relationship with yourself let alone anyone else because you’re obsessed with work and accumulating pointless ‘stuff’. Relationships are mirrors of ourselves. They exist to hasten our walk towards the loving unity of all that is. In relationships we get to feel everything our human experience has to offer. It’s where we really grow.
Own your shit and don’t beat yourself up for having it.
Get your priorities straight. Put love first. And start with yourself. Do everything to really ‘get’ that you’re worth loving. That you’re amazing exactly as you are without doing a sodding thing. Tell your children that they’re amazing exactly as they are with out doing a sodding thing. Don’t worry about them, if they’re being shitty just love them more! If you’re loving them with all your heart they’ll be OK. Work on forgiving your parents (now there’s a biggy!) Don’t be a victim to anyone or anything. OWN your shit and don’t beat yourself up for having it. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. And I swear the rest will follow. (Check out Ten ways to live in love on my website).
If we don’t FEEL we don’t grow.
I’m not saying put your happy face on and everything will be rosey. I’m saying be present and observe the anxiety. Sit with the big black cloud and start asking a few questions. Is it my story or some one elses? Bring it on! This has triggered something in me that I have the opportunity to let go of. Is this something I think I need that I think will complete me? if we don’t FEEL we don’t grow!
Life flows when desperation ceases.
Oh and the abundance thing? Ask yourself truly deeply. Does it really matter if you’re uber wealthy? Is it really the answer to all your (perceived) problems? Does it really lead you to a life in love? Is it possible to be in love and happy just as you are now?
Abundance is an inside job.
Abundance can be had by simply, consciously receiving what has already been given.’ Sufi proverb.
Abundance is nourishing yourself with healthy beautiful food, feeling sexy and having great orgasms, taking a moment to breath in a beautiful starry sky or a brilliant sunset, soaking up the exquisiteness of our children, being present for someone you love, smelling freshly mown grass after the rain, watching an incredible dancer, the list goes on and on. Receive that.
Getting ‘stuff’ is a by product of loving yourself. When the foundations are laid by truly falling in love with yourself, they become a springboard for you to play in the world of form. Life flows when desperation ceases. Surrendering to love makes you feel safe, creative, brave and that anything’s possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I never said that having stuff wasn’t fun, I just think it screws everything up when it’s put before love.
Fall in love with yourself NOW…and follow through.
And one last note from a Course in Miracles.
Love is real, It’s an eternal creation and nothing can destroy it. Anything that isn’t love is an illusion. Remember this and you’ll be at peace.