When I get tired and overwhelmed with the demands I put on myself and my energy is depleted, it’s easy for me to feel a bit flat and vulnerable. It’s at times like this that I’m open to exploring the shadow side of my existence.
I had a ‘messenger’ conversation with someone in our village last night who started off by saying he felt depressed because nobody cares about him and everyone ignores him. I felt sad for him because he acts in a way that scares me, especially when he drinks and doesn’t make me feel safe. He sits at the table in the pub by himself and no one comes up and talks to him. There’s something dark there in the shadows, but nothing that all of us don’t feel at some point in our lives.
What happened to him along the way to create this huge heart wall around himself? I told him if he would open his heart a little and show some kindness he would have friends. Easier said than done for a lot of us. It takes a brave person to show vulnerability. If he could just open the door a little bit….people here are very forgiving. It’s a small community and we all try and get along.
There are times in my life when I’ve not been seen, when I’ve been ignored, and when I’ve felt lonely. At those times I’ve blamed the world out there and the people that ‘caused’ me to feel this way. I’m very aware that I create my life, but there are times in the past, I’m sure there will be times again, where I’ll ask “I don’t understand what the f**k is going here!”.
I”m big on “What you think becomes a thing” and I did ask to be able to help this man in some way. So he reached out and asked why do I ignore him when I see him and I felt ashamed. I felt like he deserved a proper explanation. No one should be sitting at a table by themselves in a crowded pub. OK, so he doesn’t exactly act like a people magnet, but it’s obvious he doesn’t know how to navigate out of the huge heart wall he’s put around himself.
I also have a friend in prison who seems to be calling me a lot at the moment. They’re usually very short conversations so always intense. I try and make the most of it and tell him something that he can contemplate for a while. Something to help him see a more positive side to his existence at the moment. I’m appalled to hear that there’s no rehabilitation for people inside. The stories he tells me break my heart. Then what are they supposed to do? Go back in to society still feeling like they did when they went in?
The unseen, the forgotten, the unheard, and the lonely….. A versions of ourselves. Those people that are all a part of us, yet we don’t include them, even when we’re all in our “One with everyone” mode.
This man goes to our monthly gathering where we all dance like maniacs under the full moon. So beautiful. My favourite event that I rarely miss. Every one hugs each other and is so friendly. But no one hugs this man. I’m very aware of how selective I am with my ‘we are all one’.
So I’m aware of being selective. I’m aware of those people who I try not to notice when I think I’m being loving to everyone. I’m aware when I’m kidding myself because the reality is, we are all in this together, with the myriad of emotions, some beautiful and some very dark indeed..
In seeing him, I see myself. In including him, I include myself. Then together, this man’s heart wall and my own, can fade away and the light of a new dawn can start to shine through.